Today’s tittle-tattle has been spun dry
Having had time to reflect, today’s Rumours feel a slight twinge of regret about their performance in the first televised leaders’ debate in British political history last night. A sense of an opportunity lost, if you will. Perhaps they shouldn’t have flown in the face of their handlers’ advice and decided to target the floating hipster doofus vote, by eschewing the sober suit and tie option and wearing flip-flops, fluorescent green and pink Bermuda shorts and a novelty T-shirt conveying the impression that Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street may have been more than just good friends.
We are prepared to concede that drinking several shots of tequila in the hours leading up to the debate in a bid to “take the edge off” may not have been a good idea, and that gripping the sides of the lectern behind which we were standing so tightly that we accidentally pulled it from the floor and repeatedly hit two of our fellow candidates over the head with the sticky-out end was ill-advised. We would also like to apologise to the third guy, the one in the yellow tie who nobody knew this time yesterday but may now elect prime minister, for vomiting on his shoes. We are genuinely sorry that what started as a bid to offer ourselves up as the fresh and honest alternative to three tired old parties in an electrifying, fast-moving, 90-minute primetime broadcast, ended in five deaths, 18 injuries and £680,000 worth of damage to ITV equipment.
Of course unlike today’s Rumours, Real Madrid will not make any apologies for trying to bring Wayne Rooney and Fabio Capello to the Bernabéu. According to the Sun, the “Spanish giants” will offer £150m for the England striker, along with a meagre personal stipend of just £250,000 per week. They are also determined to bring Capello, a strict disciplinarian who has already led them to two La Liga titles, back to oversee their next push to finish second in the table behind Barcelona, who will freshen up their own squad by surreptitiously poaching Arsenal full-back Gaël Clichy while everyone is expecting them to try and sign Cesc Fábregas.
Despite looking and sounding like a flat cap-wearing pigeon fancier from a mid-1960s Hovis advert, James Milner is still young enough to be nominated for this year’s PFA Young Player of the Year award and winning the gong would almost certainly drive up the price Sir Alex Ferguson will have to pay to lure the England midfielder to Old Trafford from Aston Villa.
If the prospect of getting regular first-team football at the Emirates is bleak, Arsenal tyro Jack Wilshere would like to extend his loan stay at Bolton Wanderers, having grown fond of the myriad delights the locale has to offer. Despite his best intentions, the young midfielder hasn’t yet got around to visiting the museum in the Great Hall of Smithills Hall (where George Marsh was tried for heresy during the Marian Persecutions and stamped his foot so hard to re-affirm his faith, that a footprint was left in the stone floor), but would really like to.
Juventus still want Rafael Benítez and will pay the Liverpool manager £4m-per-year for four years and provide him with a war-chest of £70m with which to load their squad with monuments to mediocrity such as Damien Plessis and Nabil El Zhar.
Arsenal target Moussa Dembélé has been bothering anyone within earshot with bravura talk that he’s ready to take “a step up” and can do so without the aid of a Stannah Stair Lift. The Belgium striker currently plays for AZ Alkmaar but looks set to be sold during the summer before his contract expires next year. “I think I can handle a higher level,” the 22-year-old told a little old lady who’d only asked him to reach up and grab some biscuits for her off the top shelf in the supermarket. “Barcelona is perhaps too high, but I am of Champions League level.”
Try to contain your disappointment, Liverpool fans.
Manchester UnitedReal MadridLiverpoolBarcelonaArsenalBolton WanderersAZ AlkmaarAston VillaBarry Glendenningguardian.co.uk
