Today’s Mill will stay up and moan

It is a little known fact that around this time every year, after completing his annual round of small consumer goods deliveries to children across the world, Santa Claus turns his attention to the football transfer market. Shedding his traditional red-and-white cloak, shaving off his beard and slicking his hair back into a neat ponytail, Santa sets out to help football managers’ dreams come true. Best of all, horribly subjective ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ lists can be dispensed with, as managers prove their generosity of spirit by furnishing Santa with a 15% cut of any transfer fees.

Of course, 15% of nothing is still nothing, which is just one of many reasons you probably shouldn’t get too excited by reports that Arsenal are planning to sign the Lazio striker Goran Pandev – who has won the right to leave on a free transfer after being frozen out by the club – in January. Other reasons include the fact that he’s about to sign for Inter on a £3m-a-year deal, and also the fact that Arsène Wenger has never actually expressed an interest in the player.

In fact it’s fair to say Santa may have been rather confused by Wenger’s list as a whole, featuring as it does nothing more than a doodle of himself lifting the Premier League trophy and a couple of vague references to Arsenal possibly-maybe needing a new midfielder once Alex Song trots off to the African Cup of Nations. But Mr Claus has been in this business long enough to know Manuel Almunia’s been looking a bit shaky this season, so he may send Wenger a few details on the 21-year-old Watford keeper Scott Loach, just to see if he can draw any interest.

Tottenham on the other hand, shouldn’t need a keeper any more after Heurelho Gomes proved himself to be more than just a slightly pointy face, but if Arsenal want Loach then they definitely want him even more and probably saw him first as well. And oh, now we’ve got Harry Redknapp thinking about keepers he might as well have David James off Portsmouth too, just to be safe. In fact if ‘Arry can shift Roman Pavlyuchenko he might even be able to find the requisite readies to pilfer £8m-rated Internacional midfielder Sandro from under Inter’s noses too.

Liverpool, on the other hand, have no money to spend whatsoever, but Rafael Benítez has still scrawled the words ‘Emile Heskey‘ on the back of a scrumpled up team-sheet and popped it in the post addressed to 1 North Pole. At least Santa shouldn’t have any trouble understanding the request – you can imagine Owen Coyle’s disappointment when his request for a new poker set was misinterpreted as a bid for Texas-based Stuart Holden.

Elsewhere, Bolton’s Gary Megson is trying to persuade Iván Campo and Fernando Hierro to sell their former Real Madrid team-mate Guti on the delights of the Crompton Place shopping centre and Nottingham Forest are ready to pay £3m to make their loan signing of Aston Villa’s Nicky Shorey permanent. And Manchester City may or may not be preparing to sign the Inter defender Iván Córdoba.

Want to have your say on today’s blurb? You know the drill …

Transfer windowLiverpoolAston VillaPaolo Bandiniguardian.co.uk